When I started this project, I actually prayed “Turn me upside down as you teach me.” And I meant it.
But as that happens, I want to pray, “Just kidding” or “Turn me back the other way.”
Theoretical change is wonderful, isn’t it? We can feel so good about wanting to be changed. We can invite it, request it, seek accountability in doing it… but when change hurts (they don’t call them “growing pains” for nothing), it…well… actually hurts.
I read an account yesterday (in the Lenten reflection in my blog post) about a $2/day food challenge. And I didn’t really want to do it, but I thought about why not and why I should.
And yet tonight I am going to a beautiful French country restaurant, with a $200 gift certificate in hand. And it makes me tired to hold those two things in tension — $2 and $200.
Because frankly I’m thrilled to know I can have some esoteric cocktail, a plate-full of garlicky escargots and maybe even a chocolate souffle with, I’m sure, several things in between.” Yet part of me cares deeply that I have friends and acquaintances and unknown, untold numbers of brothers and sisters worldwide who would be thankful to sop up the leftover butter from the little indentations in my escargot plate. Or who eat snails that have not been prepared quite so delicately.
And rather than having my world turned upside down, today I want to sigh, “It’s complicated” or “My refusal to go to the French restaurant that, after all, is possible because of a gift to us, won’t put food on anyone else’s plate.”
It IS complicated. But that doesn’t excuse me from engagement. I don’t want to be excused. I just don’t want growth to hurt.